Juniorite Testimonials 

For years, I was lost in a sea of alcohol, partying, and promiscuity. I tried to escape this cycle as I turned to Mormonism then New Agism then Satanism then finally network television. But the momentary sense of belonging I felt as a member of a plural marriage or having a spirit guide or sacrificing animals to the Evil One or sharing in joy of Chandler and Monica’s wedding on Friends disappeared quickly. I still felt empty until a friend introduced me to the teachings of Junior. I still engage in alcohol consumption, partying, and promiscuity, but now I feel spiritually whole. – Joe from Hoboken

At night, the voices in my head would become overpowering. You are my chosen. Spread my word. Kill so and so next Thursday. They could sometimes be quite disturbing and frequently made it hard to sleep. It was getting difficult to hold down my job in the hospitality industry. My therapist wanted to medicate me and have me institutionalized, but then a friend introduced me to the teachings of Junior. Through my practice of Juniorism, I haven’t had to medicate the voices away. I just encourage them to be friendlier, more socially productive voices who know not to talk to me between the hours of 10pm and 6am. Now when they ask me to kill, they always say please. – Miranda from Walla Walla

It used to be like totally impossible for me to get dates. Okay, acne at thirty-three and the poor personal hygiene were a turn offs. I tried everything – flowers, candy, money, jewelry, and blackmail. Nothing seemed to work. Then a friend introduced me to the teachings of Junior. I think the whole thing is crap. There is no supreme cat making sure the good are rewarded and the bad are punished. I would have given it up the first thing, but some of the female followers of Junior are really friendly and really hot. I got a date next Thursday with one named Miranda and boy do I plan to get lucky. – Eddie from Walla Walla

I used to be a total nutcase. I was running with the wrong crowd and getting myself in for more than I could handle. “Come on, be a suicide bomber. All of the cool fanatics are doing it. And think of all those gorgeous virgins.” I admit that I was ready to die striking a blow at the Great Satan, but then a friend introduced me to the teachings of Junior. It turned my life around. That is when I realized that a true friend wouldn’t ask me to kill myself especially when he conveniently is too important on the organizational side and he has a thing for your girl. Juniorism taught me that you could act to make the world a better place without strapping C-4 to your body. – Ali from Cairo

Meow. – Kitty from London

Any social movement with the social energizing force of Juniorism could radically transform society eliminating racial and class distinctions, poverty, and the need for war. As such, it must be considered a threat to national security in countries around the globe and must be stamped out. – United Nations’ declaration